From My Heart and Mind

Alone

2012-02-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

In the latest night hours, I feel so alone,
And into Your presence, I cannot seem to go.

So many questions and struggles in me,
I long for a place to simply be free.

Heaven it beckons, and pulls at my heart,
I feel stuck in a world where I have no part.

No heavenly direction or wisdom to guide,
I just want to run, just want to hide.

What can my witness to this world even be,
When I constantly struggle with just being me?

Not of this world, I know that that's true,
The desire of my heart is just more of You.

But Your presence is sometimes more than I can bear,
I feel so alone and can't sense that You're there.

The eternal's unseen, has no tangible touch,
My heart aches for something, I need You so much.

Show me my sin, have I pushed You away?
Is it me that has wandered, have I gone astray?

I've no sense of purpose, don't know what to do,
How do I help direct the world's eyes toward You?

I don't think I can, so consumed with myself,
Is that the reason I feel stuck on this shelf?

Dreams that once were are just burdens to bear,
I don't want to hope, I don't want to care.

My voice is growing weaker, no one wants to hear,
Nothing left to say, it's my growing fear.

My heart it hurts, I feel so alone,
And into Your presence, I cannot seem to go.

By Diana DePriest
© February 12, 2012

Emotions

2012-02-09T13:29:00.001-08:00

Like riding a wave, they bring you high and low,
Sometimes they pull you under, or toss you to and fro.

Neither holy, nor sinful, they simply just are,
But when we can't contain them, we don't get very far.

Mercurial, ethereal, they move and they sway,
From the lowest of lows to the highest high in just a day.

Spontaneous from nowhere, they seem to arise,
No teller of truth, no liar of lies.

Emotions don't define us, they are not who we are,
But the process of circumstance from within our hearts.

Decisions should not be made, on what it is we feel,
Emotions are reaction, not determiners of what's real.

They are to be taken captive, not to be captors of you,
Can't control their existence, you must filter through what's true.

Anger is not a sin, to be sad is not to fail,
Happy isn't fruit, fear doesn't make you frail.

It's about where our feelings lead and what we decide to do,
Will we bed led astray? Or bow them down to You?

Faith is not emotion, it's the decisions that we make,
Feelings can be phony, but faith cannot be faked.

Don't feel guilty if you're angry, it's a feeling we all have,
But don't express it in harshness, or let it turn to wrath.

Sadness isn't failure, but don't let depression grow,
Take it to the cross, remind yourself of the God you know.

Happy isn't sufficient, God wants to grow in you joy,
We can lose a little happy, but joy nothing can destroy.

Because you feel fear, that doesn't make you weak,
It's not the antonym of faith, it just needs a little tweak.

If you declare Christ "Lord of All," you ought to mean emotions too,
Because letting Him be Lord of emotions, makes Him Lord of you.

So when you feel the wave, whether it overwhelm or overfill,
Take it to Jesus, hear as He whispers, "Peace be still."

Thank God for your feelings, let them draw you close to Him above,
He loves you with more than an emotion, because Jesus is true Love.

By Diana DePriest
© February 9, 2012

I Am Bitter

2012-02-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

This taste overwhelms not my mouth, but my soul.
This bitter root that I cannot control.

"Put off," says Your Word, so it should be easy to do,
But it isn't simple, rather so hard to be obedient to You.

The root runs down deep as it strangles my heart,
It distorts my perspective, we seem far apart.

I tug and I pull trying to pull my heart free,
But I need the kind of strength that I don't have in me.

Sometimes I think progress is moving me past,
Then something arises and revelation is fast.

I am bitter.

Hurtful words resonate, and the pains of the silence remains,
The memory of the harms, this bitter root it sustains.

"Forgive," You command, and sincerely I try,
Then I hear another rumor, I hear another lie.

This chain that connects us, I can't seem to break free,
But they walk unhindered, the only prisoner is me.

In silence, so many, look away from their shame,
And nothing ever changes, the tyranny is the same.

My mind risks consumption, the bitter root seems to rise,
Constricting the life from me, distorting my eyes!

I am bitter.

I cannot fight free, I don't have the power,
Will this bitter root haunt me till my final hour?

I do understand there's no right to the grudge that I hold,
My mind assents to Your Truth, but my heart won't be told.

Take this Lord, I'm pleading, remove this root from me!
I long to walk in Your will, desperately I want to be free!

I stand not on justification, I relinquish every right,
I'm so weary from the ache, I do not want to fight.

My flesh holds a tight grip, disobeying what I know,
I have to give it up, I have to let it go!!

And yet I am bitter!

I have no hope of better, this thing I cannot do,
Please God, I surrender, I need more of You.

I confess it, Lord, as sin, this bitterness I hold,
Please rescue me from me, don't let my heart grow cold.

I do not have the power, in my strength I can't be freed,
But I know Your promise, whom You set free is free indeed.

At your altar I lay, and I pray that You would heal,
My heart, my mind and soul, of this bitterness I feel.

My heart knows it is bitter, of its truth I am aware,
But greater Truth is this, You love me and You care.

I am bitter, but I am Yours, You'll leave me not this way,
I'm longing for my wholeness, in a soon and coming day.

By Diana DePriest
© February 7, 2012

The heart knows its own bitterness,
And a stranger does not share its joy.
Proverbs 14:10

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor,
and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36

Emotional

2012-01-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

This gift that you've given, it feels like a weight,
I want to cherish it, sometimes it fills me with hate.

I hate that I'm not doing what I feel like I should,
I hate that I'm feeling like I'm misunderstood.

My heart aches with longing to fulfill a call,
And sometimes I wonder if one even exists at all.

I feel out of sorts, like I have nowhere to belong,
Am I a mistake, the one thing You got wrong?

"You're talented," they say, "You have such a gift,"
And it's the one thing that sends me adrift.

I hate these emotions that swirl through my mind,
Egged on by the answers I can't seem to find.

Perhaps my aspirations aren't holy at all,
Am I dreaming too big or dreaming too small?

The battle is constant inside my head,
Some days just waking up overwhelms me with dread.

I just don't know what it is You want me to do,
Is this all there is? Can that really be true?

I wish that You'd take dreams and talents away,
I don't think I can bear them even one more day.

I pray, You seem silent, it has to be me,
What is my sin, or my failure, what can it be?

Where is the fruit? I strive to abide,
To walk in Your ways, I've constantly tried.

Human "being," I know, but I still long to do,
I desperately want to serve some purpose for You.

Some days I just wish my dreams and wants would be gone,
But I'm pretty sure, that too would be wrong.

I know You're still Sovereign, even when I don't undertand,
So I need to find comfort and peace that my life's in Your hand.

This hurt in my heart, will someday be through,
I don't know the answers, but I know that You do.

I come back to Your altar, and lay down again,
You are Lord and Savior, but also my Friend.

Your thoughts are so many, and all for me good,
Of that there's no question, it's completely understood.

So I know all this hurt, and even feeling so lost,
It does not compare when I'm counting the cost.

All to know You, I will lay all aside,
Please help me Lord, help me abide.

In Your presence, but more, in confident trust,
For me to press on, I know this is a must.

My emotions are not what I count on as real,
My walk of faith isn't based on how I feel.

Feelings are hard, they're a burden to bear,
Too hard to carry, to scary to share.

Are they sin? They're not holy, what can they be?
They're the really hard part of just being me.

Me, I'm the problem, I need to die at the Cross,
I lay down at the altar but I keep crawling off.

Crucify Me! Put "ME" and this flesh to death!
Help me take in a fresh holy breath.

Breathe in eternity, take my focus off me,
Only when You are the center, can I ever be free.

It doesn't undo that these feelings are hard,
But my heart is Yours, that means its Yours to guard.

So I confess them and ask that You help me move past,
Because I know this emotional ride won't always last.

But You will be here, You'll always remain,
Yesterday, today, forever- the same.

Your Word is what's real, Your promises true,
So on this crazy ride, I'll hold on to You.

By Diana DePriest
© January 29, 2012

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Hebrews 13:8

Then the Lord answered me and said:
“Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry."
Habakkuk 2:2-3

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:1

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
Psalm 139:17

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Be Still

2012-01-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

Be still my heart, find peace in the chaos,
But even in silence, I can't find the payoff.

The voices in my head create angst and unrest,
No matter how still I am, my mind is distressed.

I reach out to capture and force them to obey,
But they fight and they struggle, go their own way.

"The Word," I demand "says do not go that direction,"
But sin exists there like a chronic infection.

"Be still my heart," I cry out in despair,
"Worship the Lord, reach out to Him in prayer!"

My focus, I try, to rest on Him alone,
With my heart and my soul, to bow at His throne.

But the flesh it arises, it pulls me away,
Double-minded with doubts, my faith seems to fray.

"Fight the good fight!" my soul, I demand,
"Only by His strength, am I able to stand."

Focus, focus! On a God I can't see?
Yes, focus on the God who's revealed Himself to me.

Can you fight for quiet, strive to be still?
Can rest be worked for or created at will?

I long for silence that I might hear Your gentle voice,
I can choose to listen, but hearing's not a choice.

Lord, Your servant listens, I pray that You speak,
I long for quiet and rest, so Your presence I seek.

Lord call this mind that wanders, to come hither to You,
To quiet and rest and to peace that is true.

Be still and quiet before a Holy and Heavenly God,
In the peace of His presence, it is no facade.

Still, at rest, in Your presence, I pray,
I cannot find it, but You've made a way.

You've promised, You, if I seek, I will find,
Help me to focus, my heart soul and mind.

A Savior You gave, to draw us near to You in love,
A Spirit You give to love us here not just from above.

So why is this struggle to be still going on?
It's this flesh of my own that makes it all wrong.

But the flesh has been conquered, though it's death may seem slow,
Though it's sometimes hard to feel it, there's victory, I know.

I will be still, my heart and mind they will bow,
For through the power of Your Spirit, they will find how.

Draw, I will draw, near to You my Lord,
You draw near also, hope of peace be restored.

You are God, this I know, so therefore I'll be still,
And Your promise of peace, I know You'll fulfill.

By Diana DePriest
© January 22, 2012

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 46:10

Heartache

2012-01-22T21:46:00.001-08:00

There's a heartache that lives inside of me,
Ache deep inside born of a desire to be free.

Free from the temporary and things that fall short,
For all of the good things that sins mar and distort.

My heart hurts for being so much less than You meant,
For all the days longing, waiting, failing, I've spent.

My heart aches for questions that go unanswered each day,
I ache for the fear that it may always be this way.

I ache for the pain I see all about,
I ache for the fear, confusion and doubt.

The whole of me aches because this world is not home,
And sometimes while here, I feel lost and alone.

Heartache so great like a wave it pulls me deep down,
At times I can't breathe, overwhelmed by the darkness around.

My heart aches for You, I long to breathe You in deep,
Rest under Your wing where there safely I'll sleep.

I need You Lord, take my aching heart in Your hand,
Bring healing and hope, give me strength so I'll stand.

Always the heartache will linger, I know,
Because where I am now isn't my home.

I'm not who You created me to be,
I'm bound by this world, not living free.

My heart aches for the day when we'll stand face to face,
And my heartache will heal in Your warm embrace.

I love You Lord, my heart aches for You,
For Your love, and hope, and Your promises true.

By Diana DePriest
©January 22, 2012

Flesh and Spirit

2011-06-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

~~Some days,~~ Many days, it's like I can feel the two people living inside of me fighting against one another. I am grateful it's not most days, but when it's happening it feels like it's far too often.

I think it is the sense of what Paul talked about in Romans Chapter 7. (Read it for yourself if you don't know the reference)but when the battle is thick between the spirit and flesh, it makes me want to kick and scream and rage against the conflict inside.

I know a lot of Christians walk around like they've got it all together, they've got it all figured out, like their walk and their talk are synced perfectly together. I don't feel that way at all. It feels more like the flesh is a rabid dog on the end of a leash and my grip is just barely hanging on. And if you give in even a little to the tension and let him have control, he'll pull you forward and you'll fall flat on your face.

So many things stir the flesh, sticks poking at the already angry dog: hurts, disappointments, injustices... sin and temptation too- greed, lust, selfishness. The angry dog inside rages.

Today I am so aware of the things I am NOT doing in my life. I am so aware of unfulfilled dreams and desires. I have these God-size dreams that I used to think were God-given, but the longer they remain dormant, the less I believe. It stirs anger and bitterness towards those who I feel like are hindrances, and it makes me want to let go of the leash and let the dog do the damage it desires.

But the spirit man, he's on the other end of the leash holding on as tight as he can, pulling back, crying out over the incessant barking.

"TRUST!"

"WAIT!"

"HOPE!" he calls out.

My flesh says "it's been too long, I've waited long enough." The spirit says, "Don't question God's timing or His sovereignty. Who am I to question God?"

My flesh gets angry and says there is no hope. My spirit cries out louder that my hope is in the Lord, to persevere, to press on, to not give up.

But pressing on and persevering are exhausting work. And the spirit gets so tired.

The enemy stands by and baits the flesh. "You don't matter. You don't make a difference, nothing you do counts." And he is so loud and so persistent it seems easier to believe him than to argue the point. It makes me want to let the flesh off the leash and just run free.

But the spirit just won't let go. At times it is as though he is holding on with a dying breath... but he holds on he because he still hopes and he still believes. And some days he even manages to subdue the dog, but not for a moment can he take his eye off of him, or let off the leash in the least. The flesh is a mad dog, just waiting for the opportunity to wreak havoc.

These two fighting inside - fear vs. hope; rage vs. resignation, Great Despair and Great Faith. They both live inside of me, completely independent of one another, and completely intertwined.

There is no hope the dog will ever die. So long as I am here in this life I will battle him- sometimes it will be sown in anger, sometime in tears. Today I feel the tears in my throat and rattles the anger, trying to perpetuate bitterness.

The spirit reaches outward, upward- toward a reserve of strength that is not my own. "Abide, abide" calls the Source of it. The spirit longs to abide, to get stronger and more sure, but not for a moment does the dog ever sleep.

It's a war, flesh and spirit, and the battle is raging inside of me.

Random Diana Rhyme

2011-05-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

If only one life do you ever touch;
never dare say "it isn't much."

Jesus touched lives one by one;
that's how true ministry ought to be done.

Meeting a need, sharing your heart;
making an impact, playing a part.

Spreading God's love, sharing Jesus each day;
Shining the Light & showing the Way.

By Diana DePriest
© May 23, 2011

Still

2011-05-19T22:20:00.001-07:00

The storm may rise, great waves may form,
Still You are Master over the storm.

Darkness may cover the day as night,
Still You’re the source of eternal Light.

The earth may buckle, at every new shock,
Still You remain our immovable Rock.

Or flesh may fail, our hearts may falter,
Still You accept us s we bow at Your altar.

Circumstance may cause us from hope to refrain,
Still Your Truth stands, its promise remains.

By each still You call to us, “Be still your heart,
“I’ve called you My own, I’ve set you apart.”

“Come,” You call, “Enter My presence, be still,
“Sit still beside Me, I’ll show you My will.”

Still, in Your presence, we find rest in Your peace,
Into our struggles life and hope You release.

And here in Your presence, our stilled hearts become sure,
It is by Your Spirit we still shall endure.

Be still our hearts, Lord, may we bring You praise,
Confident You’re sovereign over all of our days.

By Diana DePriest
© April 10, 2011

Diana's Psalm

2010-07-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

The tears are flowing, I feel them inside,
But no one can see them, they don't flow from my eyes.

Sheeting off my heart they go,
I can feel the pool build from the flow.

Inside my soul the tears rise high,
All you see on the outside is a quiet sigh.

I can't even tell you the source of my tears,
Is it from my hurts? Is it from my fears?

As against a dam they continue to press,
The ache in my heart, robs me of rest.

Has anyone drown from tears they've not shed?
These are the thoughts that swim in my head.

My heart overwhelmed, I try to hold on,
But these feelings I feel, just feel so wrong.

Weighed down deep my heavy heart hangs low,
How much more will they build till they'll just overflow?

Lord take these tears, make them do what You will,
For they've built up inside, there's no room to fill.

Something must give, and bring sweet release,
This pressure that builds, it just has to cease.

I can't even see You, and it isn't my choice,
The rushing so loud, it drowns out your voice.

Break down the dam, please let the tears free,
I'm afraid if You don't, I will drown inside of me.

Need, longing, hurt, bottled inside,
It's only in You I can truly confide.

I know You know the answers to questions that elude,
Break down the dam, in my heart please intrude.

Even though I can't ask, on Your answer I'll wait,
Because I know you'll be there and You won't be too late.

Jesus, You'll answer this need I don't know,
And with You I won't drown in this difficult flow.

I know You see clearly what I can't understand,
So I'll just keep reaching out to hold to Your hand.

You won't let me drown in this cascade of tears,
So I'll trust in Your presence, believe that You're here.

I will ride this flow, until it leads me to You,
Because I know You have the answers to what I should do.

So strengthen the current, please turn the tide,
So I can find my way through the tears inside.

Help me to find You, to make Your presence real,
Take away the hurt and the sadness I feel.

Bring about a wave, that I can ride to You,
To overcome the storm, You must lead me through.

By Diana DePriest
© July 21, 2010

Whispers of Your Voice

2009-02-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

My road is broken, the path unclear,
Yet the whispers of Your voice, I hear.

"Press on," You say, "don't ever quit,"
But with my wounded heart, I sit.

"I can't go on, the road's too hard,
"The place I long for seems too far."

Again I hear You, in tender voice,
"Rise up My child, and make a choice."

"Trust Me as I lead you now,
"Don't worry yourself with 'why' or 'how.'"

"Step by step, you will see,
"It's in the journey that you'll find Me."

"I love you and I'll lead you along,
"It's as we go that I'll make you strong."

"Our travels together are one step at a time,
"You can trust Me child, because you're Mine."

"Choose step on, then two, then three,
"Each step is good, as long as you're following Me."

By Diana DePriest
© February 18, 2009

The Lord gave me this poem during Wednesday evening service.

Forgive Me

2008-11-03T21:46:00.001-08:00

Written September 10, 1992, This poem is part of my testimony. You can read part of the related story by clicking here.

Forgive Me

I know that you're angry and you're hurt,
Now that I've made my lie known to you.
I didn't do it to make you sad,
But because I believe you had the right to know what's true.

I had lived the secret for so long,
It had become a part of me.
I had been so deeply hiding my evil deed,
For fear of what might happen if you ever did see.

For such a long time I lived with the guilt,
As it slowly ate me up inside.
It was so hard to keep the secret,
Of how our baby really died.

I'm not sure which was worse,
The horror of what I'd done, or the fear of losing you.
I just know I wanted to die,
As my rock and hard place grew.

There is no fault in what happened,
Except that which is my own.
There were no easy choices, but I chose,
How things would be so different if the truth I had only known.

Abortion is just a nice word,
For the murder of an unborn child.
And the moment my abortion was over,
I knew it was our baby that died.

The deep regret I feel is a pain,
I hope you never hold in your heart.
Because even though it was our baby,
In her death only I took part.

You may now want to retaliate,
For the pain this truth's caused you.
But you can't cause more pain for me,
No matter what you say or do.

I know the truth of my responsibility,
I lived through all the guilt and pain.
And because I was the one that caused it,
I often thought I'd go insane.

But now I have taken my hurts to Jesus,
And asked Him to help me heal.
I'm so grateful for how He's showing me,
That His love and strength are real.

He's showing me He's forgiven me,
And that it's myself I must forgive.
I hope it's in your heart to forgive me too,
And together with healing we can live.

© Diana DePriest

Words

2008-10-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

It's not just what they are, but how they are said,
That can send me spinning off inside my head.

Were they meant to wound, was it real?
Was that how they wanted to make me feel?

Their tone or inflection, can change it all,
Whether they move me on or make me fall.

They can be used to build or destruction bring,
They can lead to sadness, or cause the heart to sing.

They should not come out, one and the same,
To curse one You love, and to then praise Your name.

What can we do when the hurts they leave,
Cause one's heart to suffer and grieve.

I know Yours are sure, all of them true,
And that's why I long to commit mine to You.

To bring honor, glory and praise to my King,
With them joy, hope and life may they bring.

I love them each, I know their power is strong,
Please help me be wise and not use them wrong.

Whether written or spoken, help me beware,
That always use each one with love and with care.

By Diana DePriest
© October 10, 2008

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Ephesians 4:29

"With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so." James 3:9-10

"Your word is very pure; therefore Your servant loves it. I am small and despised, Yet I do not forget Your precepts. Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and Your law is truth. Trouble and anguish have overtaken me, yet Your commandments are my delights." Psalm 119: 140-143