Emotional

This gift that you've given, it feels like a weight,
I want to cherish it, sometimes it fills me with hate.

I hate that I'm not doing what I feel like I should,
I hate that I'm feeling like I'm misunderstood.

My heart aches with longing to fulfill a call,
And sometimes I wonder if one even exists at all.

I feel out of sorts, like I have nowhere to belong,
Am I a mistake, the one thing You got wrong?

"You're talented," they say, "You have such a gift,"
And it's the one thing that sends me adrift.

I hate these emotions that swirl through my mind,
Egged on by the answers I can't seem to find.

Perhaps my aspirations aren't holy at all,
Am I dreaming too big or dreaming too small?

The battle is constant inside my head,
Some days just waking up overwhelms me with dread.

I just don't know what it is You want me to do,
Is this all there is? Can that really be true?

I wish that You'd take dreams and talents away,
I don't think I can bear them even one more day.

I pray, You seem silent, it has to be me,
What is my sin, or my failure, what can it be?

Where is the fruit? I strive to abide,
To walk in Your ways, I've constantly tried.

Human "being," I know, but I still long to do,
I desperately want to serve some purpose for You.

Some days I just wish my dreams and wants would be gone,
But I'm pretty sure, that too would be wrong.

I know You're still Sovereign, even when I don't undertand,
So I need to find comfort and peace that my life's in Your hand.

This hurt in my heart, will someday be through,
I don't know the answers, but I know that You do.

I come back to Your altar, and lay down again,
You are Lord and Savior, but also my Friend.

Your thoughts are so many, and all for me good,
Of that there's no question, it's completely understood.

So I know all this hurt, and even feeling so lost,
It does not compare when I'm counting the cost.

All to know You, I will lay all aside,
Please help me Lord, help me abide.

In Your presence, but more, in confident trust,
For me to press on, I know this is a must.

My emotions are not what I count on as real,
My walk of faith isn't based on how I feel.

Feelings are hard, they're a burden to bear,
Too hard to carry, to scary to share.

Are they sin? They're not holy, what can they be?
They're the really hard part of just being me.

Me, I'm the problem, I need to die at the Cross,
I lay down at the altar but I keep crawling off.

Crucify Me! Put "ME" and this flesh to death!
Help me take in a fresh holy breath.

Breathe in eternity, take my focus off me,
Only when You are the center, can I ever be free.

It doesn't undo that these feelings are hard,
But my heart is Yours, that means its Yours to guard.

So I confess them and ask that You help me move past,
Because I know this emotional ride won't always last.

But You will be here, You'll always remain,
Yesterday, today, forever- the same.

Your Word is what's real, Your promises true,
So on this crazy ride, I'll hold on to You.

By Diana DePriest
© January 29, 2012

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Hebrews 13:8

Then the Lord answered me and said:
“Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry."
Habakkuk 2:2-3


I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:1

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
Psalm 139:17

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Be Still

Be still my heart, find peace in the chaos,
But even in silence, I can't find the payoff.

The voices in my head create angst and unrest,
No matter how still I am, my mind is distressed.

I reach out to capture and force them to obey,
But they fight and they struggle, go their own way.

"The Word," I demand "says do not go that direction,"
But sin exists there like a chronic infection.

"Be still my heart," I cry out in despair,
"Worship the Lord, reach out to Him in prayer!"

My focus, I try, to rest on Him alone,
With my heart and my soul, to bow at His throne.

But the flesh it arises, it pulls me away,
Double-minded with doubts, my faith seems to fray.

"Fight the good fight!" my soul, I demand,
"Only by His strength, am I able to stand."

Focus, focus! On a God I can't see?
Yes, focus on the God who's revealed Himself to me.

Can you fight for quiet, strive to be still?
Can rest be worked for or created at will?

I long for silence that I might hear Your gentle voice,
I can choose to listen, but hearing's not a choice.

Lord, Your servant listens, I pray that You speak,
I long for quiet and rest, so Your presence I seek.

Lord call this mind that wanders, to come hither to You,
To quiet and rest and to peace that is true.

Be still and quiet before a Holy and Heavenly God,
In the peace of His presence, it is no facade.

Still, at rest, in Your presence, I pray,
I cannot find it, but You've made a way.

You've promised, You, if I seek, I will find,
Help me to focus, my heart soul and mind.

A Savior You gave, to draw us near to You in love,
A Spirit You give to love us here not just from above.

So why is this struggle to be still going on?
It's this flesh of my own that makes it all wrong.

But the flesh has been conquered, though it's death may seem slow,
Though it's sometimes hard to feel it, there's victory, I know.

I will be still, my heart and mind they will bow,
For through the power of Your Spirit, they will find how.

Draw, I will draw, near to You my Lord,
You draw near also, hope of peace be restored.

You are God, this I know, so therefore I'll be still,
And Your promise of peace, I know You'll fulfill.

By Diana DePriest
© January 22, 2012

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 46:10

Heartache

There's a heartache that lives inside of me,
Ache deep inside born of a desire to be free.

Free from the temporary and things that fall short,
For all of the good things that sins mar and distort.

My heart hurts for being so much less than You meant,
For all the days longing, waiting, failing, I've spent.

My heart aches for questions that go unanswered each day,
I ache for the fear that it may always be this way.

I ache for the pain I see all about,
I ache for the fear, confusion and doubt.

The whole of me aches because this world is not home,
And sometimes while here, I feel lost and alone.

Heartache so great like a wave it pulls me deep down,
At times I can't breathe, overwhelmed by the darkness around.

My heart aches for You, I long to breathe You in deep,
Rest under Your wing where there safely I'll sleep.

I need You Lord, take my aching heart in Your hand,
Bring healing and hope, give me strength so I'll stand.

Always the heartache will linger, I know,
Because where I am now isn't my home.

I'm not who You created me to be,
I'm bound by this world, not living free.

My heart aches for the day when we'll stand face to face,
And my heartache will heal in Your warm embrace.

I love You Lord, my heart aches for You,
For Your love, and hope, and Your promises true.

By Diana DePriest
©January 22, 2012

Flesh and Spirit

Some days, Many days, it's like I can feel the two people living inside of me fighting against one another. I am grateful it's not most days, but when it's happening it feels like it's far too often.

I think it is the sense of what Paul talked about in Romans Chapter 7. (Read it for yourself if you don't know the reference)but when the battle is thick between the spirit and flesh, it makes me want to kick and scream and rage against the conflict inside.

I know a lot of Christians walk around like they've got it all together, they've got it all figured out, like their walk and their talk are synced perfectly together. I don't feel that way at all. It feels more like the flesh is a rabid dog on the end of a leash and my grip is just barely hanging on. And if you give in even a little to the tension and let him have control, he'll pull you forward and you'll fall flat on your face.

So many things stir the flesh, sticks poking at the already angry dog: hurts, disappointments, injustices... sin and temptation too- greed, lust, selfishness. The angry dog inside rages.

Today I am so aware of the things I am NOT doing in my life. I am so aware of unfulfilled dreams and desires. I have these God-size dreams that I used to think were God-given, but the longer they remain dormant, the less I believe. It stirs anger and bitterness towards those who I feel like are hindrances, and it makes me want to let go of the leash and let the dog do the damage it desires.

But the spirit man, he's on the other end of the leash holding on as tight as he can, pulling back, crying out over the incessant barking.

"TRUST!"

"WAIT!"

"HOPE!" he calls out.

My flesh says "it's been too long, I've waited long enough." The spirit says, "Don't question God's timing or His sovereignty. Who am I to question God?"

My flesh gets angry and says there is no hope. My spirit cries out louder that my hope is in the Lord, to persevere, to press on, to not give up.

But pressing on and persevering are exhausting work. And the spirit gets so tired.

The enemy stands by and baits the flesh. "You don't matter. You don't make a difference, nothing you do counts." And he is so loud and so persistent it seems easier to believe him than to argue the point. It makes me want to let the flesh off the leash and just run free.

But the spirit just won't let go. At times it is as though he is holding on with a dying breath... but he holds on he because he still hopes and he still believes. And some days he even manages to subdue the dog, but not for a moment can he take his eye off of him, or let off the leash in the least. The flesh is a mad dog, just waiting for the opportunity to wreak havoc.

These two fighting inside - fear vs. hope; rage vs. resignation, Great Despair and Great Faith. They both live inside of me, completely independent of one another, and completely intertwined.

There is no hope the dog will ever die. So long as I am here in this life I will battle him- sometimes it will be sown in anger, sometime in tears. Today I feel the tears in my throat and rattles the anger, trying to perpetuate bitterness.

The spirit reaches outward, upward- toward a reserve of strength that is not my own. "Abide, abide" calls the Source of it. The spirit longs to abide, to get stronger and more sure, but not for a moment does the dog ever sleep.

It's a war, flesh and spirit, and the battle is raging inside of me.

Random Diana Rhyme

If only one life do you ever touch;
never dare say "it isn't much."

Jesus touched lives one by one;
that's how true ministry ought to be done.

Meeting a need, sharing your heart;
making an impact, playing a part.

Spreading God's love, sharing Jesus each day;
Shining the Light & showing the Way.

By Diana DePriest
© May 23, 2011

Still

The storm may rise, great waves may form,
Still You are Master over the storm.

Darkness may cover the day as night,
Still You’re the source of eternal Light.

The earth may buckle, at every new shock,
Still You remain our immovable Rock.

Or flesh may fail, our hearts may falter,
Still You accept us s we bow at Your altar.

Circumstance may cause us from hope to refrain,
Still Your Truth stands, its promise remains.

By each still You call to us, “Be still your heart,
“I’ve called you My own, I’ve set you apart.”

“Come,” You call, “Enter My presence, be still,
“Sit still beside Me, I’ll show you My will.”

Still, in Your presence, we find rest in Your peace,
Into our struggles life and hope You release.

And here in Your presence, our stilled hearts become sure,
It is by Your Spirit we still shall endure.

Be still our hearts, Lord, may we bring You praise,
Confident You’re sovereign over all of our days.

By Diana DePriest
© April 10, 2011

Diana's Psalm

The tears are flowing, I feel them inside,
But no one can see them, they don't flow from my eyes.

Sheeting off my heart they go,
I can feel the pool build from the flow.

Inside my soul the tears rise high,
All you see on the outside is a quiet sigh.

I can't even tell you the source of my tears,
Is it from my hurts? Is it from my fears?

As against a dam they continue to press,
The ache in my heart, robs me of rest.

Has anyone drown from tears they've not shed?
These are the thoughts that swim in my head.

My heart overwhelmed, I try to hold on,
But these feelings I feel, just feel so wrong.

Weighed down deep my heavy heart hangs low,
How much more will they build till they'll just overflow?

Lord take these tears, make them do what You will,
For they've built up inside, there's no room to fill.

Something must give, and bring sweet release,
This pressure that builds, it just has to cease.

I can't even see You, and it isn't my choice,
The rushing so loud, it drowns out your voice.

Break down the dam, please let the tears free,
I'm afraid if You don't, I will drown inside of me.

Need, longing, hurt, bottled inside,
It's only in You I can truly confide.

I know You know the answers to questions that elude,
Break down the dam, in my heart please intrude.

Even though I can't ask, on Your answer I'll wait,
Because I know you'll be there and You won't be too late.

Jesus, You'll answer this need I don't know,
And with You I won't drown in this difficult flow.

I know You see clearly what I can't understand,
So I'll just keep reaching out to hold to Your hand.

You won't let me drown in this cascade of tears,
So I'll trust in Your presence, believe that You're here.

I will ride this flow, until it leads me to You,
Because I know You have the answers to what I should do.

So strengthen the current, please turn the tide,
So I can find my way through the tears inside.

Help me to find You, to make Your presence real,
Take away the hurt and the sadness I feel.

Bring about a wave, that I can ride to You,
To overcome the storm, You must lead me through.

By Diana DePriest
© July 21, 2010