I think it is the sense of what Paul talked about in Romans Chapter 7. (Read it for yourself if you don't know the reference)but when the battle is thick between the spirit and flesh, it makes me want to kick and scream and rage against the conflict inside.
I know a lot of Christians walk around like they've got it all together, they've got it all figured out, like their walk and their talk are synced perfectly together. I don't feel that way at all. It feels more like the flesh is a rabid dog on the end of a leash and my grip is just barely hanging on. And if you give in even a little to the tension and let him have control, he'll pull you forward and you'll fall flat on your face.
So many things stir the flesh, sticks poking at the already angry dog: hurts, disappointments, injustices... sin and temptation too- greed, lust, selfishness. The angry dog inside rages.
Today I am so aware of the things I am NOT doing in my life. I am so aware of unfulfilled dreams and desires. I have these God-size dreams that I used to think were God-given, but the longer they remain dormant, the less I believe. It stirs anger and bitterness towards those who I feel like are hindrances, and it makes me want to let go of the leash and let the dog do the damage it desires.
But the spirit man, he's on the other end of the leash holding on as tight as he can, pulling back, crying out over the incessant barking.
"TRUST!"
"WAIT!"
"HOPE!" he calls out.
My flesh says "it's been too long, I've waited long enough." The spirit says, "Don't question God's timing or His sovereignty. Who am I to question God?"
My flesh gets angry and says there is no hope. My spirit cries out louder that my hope is in the Lord, to persevere, to press on, to not give up.
But pressing on and persevering are exhausting work. And the spirit gets so tired.
The enemy stands by and baits the flesh. "You don't matter. You don't make a difference, nothing you do counts." And he is so loud and so persistent it seems easier to believe him than to argue the point. It makes me want to let the flesh off the leash and just run free.
But the spirit just won't let go. At times it is as though he is holding on with a dying breath... but he holds on he because he still hopes and he still believes. And some days he even manages to subdue the dog, but not for a moment can he take his eye off of him, or let off the leash in the least. The flesh is a mad dog, just waiting for the opportunity to wreak havoc.
These two fighting inside - fear vs. hope; rage vs. resignation, Great Despair and Great Faith. They both live inside of me, completely independent of one another, and completely intertwined.
There is no hope the dog will ever die. So long as I am here in this life I will battle him- sometimes it will be sown in anger, sometime in tears. Today I feel the tears in my throat and rattles the anger, trying to perpetuate bitterness.
The spirit reaches outward, upward- toward a reserve of strength that is not my own. "Abide, abide" calls the Source of it. The spirit longs to abide, to get stronger and more sure, but not for a moment does the dog ever sleep.
It's a war, flesh and spirit, and the battle is raging inside of me.
