Disqualified

I feel disqualified.

I feel so stuck in hurt and in bitterness. I sincerely strive to move away from the past, and then the past moves toward me.

The new life I am trying to forge in a new place feels tainted.

It's like I'm tangled in a spider web and I'm flipping about spasmadically just trying to get unwound.

But people are watching that can't see the web, and I become consumed with what they must think.

About the crazy girl, dancing around and making a fool of herself.

But even the spiders have scattered.

I feel so alone.

Can't seem to get untangled from the past, can't move cleanly into the future.

Makes me want to just hide, cut the ties from the before, and not even aspire to an after.

Rejection is my companion. Rejection is the only consistency I know.

I know, but I don't say, but the ashes of their accusations blow into my life anyway. The ash leaves me filthy. The ash hinders my ability to breathe.

But they stay upwind from the fire they burn. I alone stand down wind.

Even those I traveled away with have moved on. Their new beginnings have all begun, they're moving on, settling in, I alone remain.

Filthy.

Disqualified.

Angry.

Bitter.

Alone.

Begging God to wash me clean.

The ash is a shame, but it's not mine, I didn't build the fire.

But still.

Surely I will not remain here forever but I fear it might be for always.

Until that Day.

No more tears.

Every knee bowed.

I bow mine now, by choice.

I hope a dangerous hope.

Perhaps.

Might I find a way?

May I bow low enough for the ash to finally blow by.

And not on me.

In Jesus' name.

By the power of the Holy Spirit alone.

Alone.

But today I am still covered.

Still filthy.

Still wondering if they think I'm crazy.

Just because they can't see the web.

By Diana DePriest
© February 16, 2012

Alone

In the latest night hours, I feel so alone,
And into Your presence, I cannot seem to go.

So many questions and struggles in me,
I long for a place to simply be free.

Heaven it beckons, and pulls at my heart,
I feel stuck in a world where I have no part.

No heavenly direction or wisdom to guide,
I just want to run, just want to hide.

What can my witness to this world even be,
When I constantly struggle with just being me?

Not of this world, I know that that's true,
The desire of my heart is just more of You.

But Your presence is sometimes more than I can bear,
I feel so alone and can't sense that You're there.

The eternal's unseen, has no tangible touch,
My heart aches for something, I need You so much.

Show me my sin, have I pushed You away?
Is it me that has wandered, have I gone astray?

I've no sense of purpose, don't know what to do,
How do I help direct the world's eyes toward You?

I don't think I can, so consumed with myself,
Is that the reason I feel stuck on this shelf?

Dreams that once were are just burdens to bear,
I don't want to hope, I don't want to care.

My voice is growing weaker, no one wants to hear,
Nothing left to say, it's my growing fear.

My heart it hurts, I feel so alone,
And into Your presence, I cannot seem to go.


By Diana DePriest
© February 12, 2012

Emotions

Like riding a wave, they bring you high and low,
Sometimes they pull you under, or toss you to and fro.

Neither holy, nor sinful, they simply just are,
But when we can't contain them, we don't get very far.

Mercurial, ethereal, they move and they sway,
From the lowest of lows to the highest high in just a day.

Spontaneous from nowhere, they seem to arise,
No teller of truth, no liar of lies.

Emotions don't define us, they are not who we are,
But the process of circumstance from within our hearts.

Decisions should not be made, on what it is we feel,
Emotions are reaction, not determiners of what's real.

They are to be taken captive, not to be captors of you,
Can't control their existence, you must filter through what's true.

Anger is not a sin, to be sad is not to fail,
Happy isn't fruit, fear doesn't make you frail.

It's about where our feelings lead and what we decide to do,
Will we bed led astray? Or bow them down to You?

Faith is not emotion, it's the decisions that we make,
Feelings can be phony, but faith cannot be faked.

Don't feel guilty if you're angry, it's a feeling we all have,
But don't express it in harshness, or let it turn to wrath.

Sadness isn't failure, but don't let depression grow,
Take it to the cross, remind yourself of the God you know.

Happy isn't sufficient, God wants to grow in you joy,
We can lose a little happy, but joy nothing can destroy.

Because you feel fear, that doesn't make you weak,
It's not the antonym of faith, it just needs a little tweak.

If you declare Christ "Lord of All," you ought to mean emotions too,
Because letting Him be Lord of emotions, makes Him Lord of you.

So when you feel the wave, whether it overwhelm or overfill,
Take it to Jesus, hear as He whispers, "Peace be still."

Thank God for your feelings, let them draw you close to Him above,
He loves you with more than an emotion, because Jesus is true Love.

By Diana DePriest
© February 9, 2012

I Am Bitter

This taste overwhelms not my mouth, but my soul.
This bitter root that I cannot control.

"Put off," says Your Word, so it should be easy to do,
But it isn't simple, rather so hard to be obedient to You.

The root runs down deep as it strangles my heart,
It distorts my perspective, we seem far apart.

I tug and I pull trying to pull my heart free,
But I need the kind of strength that I don't have in me.

Sometimes I think progress is moving me past,
Then something arises and revelation is fast.

I am bitter.

Hurtful words resonate, and the pains of the silence remains,
The memory of the harms, this bitter root it sustains.

"Forgive," You command, and sincerely I try,
Then I hear another rumor, I hear another lie.

This chain that connects us, I can't seem to break free,
But they walk unhindered, the only prisoner is me.

In silence, so many, look away from their shame,
And nothing ever changes, the tyranny is the same.

My mind risks consumption, the bitter root seems to rise,
Constricting the life from me, distorting my eyes!

I am bitter.

I cannot fight free, I don't have the power,
Will this bitter root haunt me till my final hour?

I do understand there's no right to the grudge that I hold,
My mind assents to Your Truth, but my heart won't be told.

Take this Lord, I'm pleading, remove this root from me!
I long to walk in Your will, desperately I want to be free!

I stand not on justification, I relinquish every right,
I'm so weary from the ache, I do not want to fight.

My flesh holds a tight grip, disobeying what I know,
I have to give it up, I have to let it go!!

And yet I am bitter!

I have no hope of better, this thing I cannot do,
Please God, I surrender, I need more of You.

I confess it, Lord, as sin, this bitterness I hold,
Please rescue me from me, don't let my heart grow cold.

I do not have the power, in my strength I can't be freed,
But I know Your promise, whom You set free is free indeed.

At your altar I lay, and I pray that You would heal,
My heart, my mind and soul, of this bitterness I feel.

My heart knows it is bitter, of its truth I am aware,
But greater Truth is this, You love me and You care.

I am bitter, but I am Yours, You'll leave me not this way,
I'm longing for my wholeness, in a soon and coming day.

By Diana DePriest
© February 7, 2012

The heart knows its own bitterness,
And a stranger does not share its joy.
Proverbs 14:10

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor,
and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36