Thursday, February 16, 2012

Disqualified

I feel disqualified.

I feel so stuck in hurt and in bitterness. I sincerely strive to move away from the past, and then the past moves toward me.

The new life I am trying to forge in a new place feels tainted.

It's like I'm tangled in a spider web and I'm flipping about spasmadically just trying to get unwound.

But people are watching that can't see the web, and I become consumed with what they must think.

About the crazy girl, dancing around and making a fool of herself.

But even the spiders have scattered.

I feel so alone.

Can't seem to get untangled from the past, can't move cleanly into the future.

Makes me want to just hide, cut the ties from the before, and not even aspire to an after.

Rejection is my companion. Rejection is the only consistency I know.

I know, but I don't say, but the ashes of their accusations blow into my life anyway. The ash leaves me filthy. The ash hinders my ability to breathe.

But they stay upwind from the fire they burn. I alone stand down wind.

Even those I traveled away with have moved on. Their new beginnings have all begun, they're moving on, settling in, I alone remain.

Filthy.

Disqualified.

Angry.

Bitter.

Alone.

Begging God to wash me clean.

The ash is a shame, but it's not mine, I didn't build the fire.

But still.

Surely I will not remain here forever but I fear it might be for always.

Until that Day.

No more tears.

Every knee bowed.

I bow mine now, by choice.

I hope a dangerous hope.

Perhaps.

Might I find a way?

May I bow low enough for the ash to finally blow by.

And not on me.

In Jesus' name.

By the power of the Holy Spirit alone.

Alone.

But today I am still covered.

Still filthy.

Still wondering if they think I'm crazy.

Just because they can't see the web.

By Diana DePriest
© February 16, 2012

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